Sorry If This Is Weird

by Black Santa

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1.
04:32
lyrics
2.
03:21
lyrics
3.
04:01
lyrics
4.
02:59
lyrics
5.
05:28
lyrics
6.
04:15
lyrics
7.
04:28
lyrics
8.
06:02
lyrics

credits

released 19 April 2014

Recorded and mixed by William H. Stephens at Bit Heart Records in Greensboro.
Mastered by Joel Hatstat - joelhatstataudio.com

Super thanks to Danny Wirtheim for writing and recording the poem on track 3, and to Hunter Allen for making Arthur's drums sound pretty.
<3 <3 <3

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tags: bitheart north carolina punk rock emo feelings friends meaningfulcore Greensboro

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Black Santa Greensboro, North Carolina

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Track Name: Ted Turner interviews Dr. Sagan
We rolled miles down the hillside and bottomed out in the street. You laid on top of me and laughed at how fast you could hear my heart beat, but you're the one who used to pull me by the collar. I guess I mean that you're the only one. I'd have meant anything you meant to say; I'd have smiled anyway, though, really, I had fun.
I clung tight to your sunroof, flailing out in the breeze. You could've closed it on my fingers if you'd wanted. You can still do to me what you please, but you're the one who used to cover up my eyes. I guess that you're the only one I have. We knew tonight would be our worst best night yet, but we couldn't figure out if that was bad.
I didn't really think before I said to you, "It's not enough to love. You've got to let her aim so when she doesn't hit your heart and gets your shoulder you'll know what she meant, and there's no one to blame." I said that hoping you would hear it hoping I'd say something else before you figured out how dumb that was.
I said it hoping you would hear it hoping I'd say something else, but maybe just to hear me speak. I said it hoping you would hear it hoping I would talk again, to feel my chest against your cheek. I said it hoping you would hear it hoping I would let it go and we could watch the lights go out. I said it hoping that you wouldn't notice, hoping I could show this in a less constructed way.
Track Name: Cecil is a ________'s name
Here's another song for you not to listen to. It means nothing. I don't care if you don't know that I don't care. You're pathetic, or something.
Here's another assortment of words I wrote to myself while I was in Rome, afraid to talk to strangers, thinking there was one time I was not just friendly, but magnetic.
Roberto ed io guardiamo i ragazzi e dividiamo un caso di vino. Non dobbiamo parlar se non vogliamo. Abbiamo una bel cosa.
"Try to have fun. Hang out with someone with a home."
Track Name: I am the boy with sandwich feet
A darkness makes a timid body brave
I was walking back to my place while you were swallowing contraceptives
In spite of your carpet's caresses you've still never accepted your first pet's death
Silence might sound better with you breathing behind it and once I find it in the ocean I'll drown out those emotions remembering motion

I don't want to try if this shit's not gonna be easy
These things aren't mixing well inside me right now
Track Name: I am the machine (with sandwich feet)
A stitch in time
Stitches in my head
and they hold this bed together too
Every knot comes untied
We'll come untied too

A picture hangs above my kitchen sink
and it makes me think I'll feel better soon
Said you had had enough
You'd had enough stuff

I want to sink to the bottom of the ocean
I broke those circles to keep my secrets safe
Track Name: The ballad of James Garfield
There was no one to talk to, and still you wouldn't disappear. You were walking for hours, lost in Milan, wondering what you would say if somebody asked what you were doing here.
On the train back from Florence you cried like a bitch for forgetting Mom's birthday. She dropped a whole lot of money for you to come here. The whole family's hopes hinge on your having fun going somewhere none of them have gone.
Life goes on, but you already knew that. Life goes on in the apartment next door. Life goes on in warm windows while you walk below. Life goes on setting the table for two. Life goes on down the block under yellow-lit awnings. Life goes on laughing while you lie in bed. Life goes on two wheels and doesn't look backwards.
Track Name: Arthur's song
Been better but thanks for asking
Found comfort in some new landscape
Was that feeling everlasting
When you were drunk inside a different state
I watched the city in the mirror slowly shinking
I-40's distant waves stretched in front of me
I saw a fire and the shredded skins of tires scattered
like people-pieces
The last time I prayed I meant it
made an eighty mile mistake
passed exit after exit
didn't know which one to take
and on the way back I couldn't hear a thing over the hum in my brain
I felt the same both ways headlights flung from signs that spelled our names
and who are we I know I'm not who I thought you'd be
why don't you let me mourn my youth in peace
if there's one out there's always one back in and that's the way that it's always been
Track Name: Spencer's old song
I've felt out how to think about you without thinking you're me, and I don't hope that your room feels empty without me. I hope it feels like home.
I've felt out how to think. I mean, I think I have. I mean, I think I've felt so much that I can't think of anything right now, but I remember feeling–as we sat there on your couch and listened to the walls all night–feeling I was proud. You kind of had a dog. There were photographs of women on your walls. There were traffic cones and street signs. There were paintings that people had painted for you, and I was there, a thing that you could count among your things, and I didn't want to kill myself. I didn't want to die. I didn't even really want to walk home. Sorry if this is weird.
Track Name: Kelly's conscience
I knew your love on loose terms
we shared the same prescriptions
on brown paper bags you scribbled your convictions
sunk my teeth into the sink
forgot what it was like to be me
we changed effortlessly it was easy
I was drunk and thoughtless
touched your legs in the process of learning I'd live off this
after ten milligrams of melatonin I am slipping into the past
one night we laid aligned while the roads all were mirrors in the rain and the light
and I remember how I laid awake while you washed your face
those chemicals and little pebbles still speckled to your eyes
in a dream we walked alone and I knew we were lost cuz everything was colorful and painted in ourselves on endless white walls
watched the azure sky grow darker in the grass a car was parked
it was all I could to to keep myself from throwing up all over you